Welcome, friends, to the new season of The Bachelor! I am so excited to share this journey with you.
Welcome, also, to the new Date Cards and Roses blog, where I will post each week’s recap and results for the pool. After several seasons of sending recaps out via email, this first episode of this season finally convinced me that I can no longer write recaps that do the episodes justice while censoring myself enough to not have serious concerns about what I am sending thru several company’s emails. A bonus of the blog is that we can all share our thoughts for each week in the Comments section - now we can ALL talk about The Bachelor!
So here we go. I have 6 pages of notes from this episode, I will try to be as succinct as possible.
Becoming the Bachelor: Once again we are introduced to Nick Viall – the man I once not-so-affectionately called Neck Scarf Nick, for his penchant for the fashion statement during Andi Dorfman’s season of The Bachelorette.
Nick, the twice rejected Bachelorette runner-up - having made it to the final two in both Andi’s season and Kaitlyn’s season (during which Nick and Kaitlyn scandalously bumped uglies WELL before the acceptable nookie time in the fantasy suites) – now faces the happy task of lovin’ and leavin’.
First up, advice from Nick’s family, especially his little sister Bella…Bella suggests “Look them in eye, and don’t mumble” HALLELUJAH young Bella. AMEN.
Next, some manly advice from former Bachelors. Sean (who actually married his choice, Catherine and they now have a baby!), Ben (who currently lives with his choice, Lauren), and Prince Farming Chris (who didn’t last more than about 6 weeks with his choice, Whitney). Ummmm, producers? One of these things is not like the other. As Whitney aptly tweeted “Chris is giving advice, why?” Exactly. Anyway, just so no one forgets, this show works! True love CAN be found!!! Just ask these guys! Er…MOST of these guys. They really don’t give advice so much as get a bunch of “ha ha you lost, twice” digs in on Nick.
Nick just can’t believe he is the bachelor, blah blah blah. He is so excited for his journey and “promises to give America a HAPPY ENDING” – Oh my.
Here is the thing about Nick that has made me decide that I really do like him, and even without a bag over his head… he is, actually, pretty cute: Nick has decent grammar. He also laughs at himself when he says hilarious things like “I promise to give America a happy ending”. He (as Sean did before him) understands that this whole thing is utterly insane, but the hell with it, it just might work. 10 points for the hopeless romantics.
Now begins the most awkward night on TV. Much to my surprise, there really wasn’t a whole lot of drama. The women pretty much behaved themselves, no one got out of control drunk, and no one really got super catty. The biggest drama of the night seemed to be that 15 of the 30 women wore red. Hopefully once they get to know each other, and all start to “fall in love” with Nick, things will heat up.
Let’s meet the “Ladies”!!
Limo Highlights –
Josephine: On the “stage 5 clinger” list, presents Nick with a book, containing a hot dog.. She declares “you are a wiener in my book!” and proceeds to force feed Nick a raw hot dog. I gagged. Three times. I would have turned her around and just sent her home immediately.
Raven: She is a southern girl, raised on "family, faith and football". She taught Nick how to "call the hogs". Which basically just looked like a sideline cheer. He likes her and her cute accent.
Corinne: Oh Corinne. She is a manager for her family’s “mutli-million dollar” corporation, which so far, her father has been smart enough to not let the show mention by name. This chick HAS A NANNY. That’s right. A NANNY. I mean, she is going to be TV gold. GOLD, I tell you. She is also the straw that broke the camel’s back when I was considering to blog or email recaps. At the end of this episode, during the “this season on The Bachelor” preview section… she states “I have a heart of gold and a platinum vagine”. I mean, I just CAN’T fathom emailing the words PLATINUM VAGINE through corp email, and there is NO WAY I am NOT talking about a platinum vagine. I fell off the couch I was laughing so hard. She is gonna be FUN.
Speaking of camels. A chick named Lacey rode a camel up to the front door and said “Hi Nick. I hear you like to hump”. Sweet Jesus, her mother must be so proud. My favorite part about the camel is the reaction from a group of women spying on the limo exists from the gate – “Crap! She has a red dress on too!” Really? THAT’s what stood out? Not the fact that SHE IS ON A FREAKING CAMEL? Um, ok.
Alexis: She is a dolphin lover from New Jersey. You can tell she loves dolphins because she has arrived at the mansion dressed as a shark. A shark, you ask? Yes, a shark... but she spends the entire night walking around making squeaking dolphin noises and REFUSED to admit she was dressed as a shark. In another shining moment that made me love Nick just a little more… “You know you are wearing a shark right? Oh no? We are just pretending like it’s a dolphin? I mean, I guess – aside from the gills.” Yep, I love him.
More highlights on the “mom must be proud” list: Lauren, she tells Nick that if they combined their last names you get “disgusting slut”. Hailey, who isn’t wearing underwear. Astrid, who tells Nick, in German, that her breasts are real. And Jaimi, who declares “I have balls” before revealing her bull nose ring. Oh my god, just stop.
Jasmine G, the professional basketball dancer, she brought Neil Lane with her. It could have been really cute, but it was just really awkward. Mostly because Neil looks at Nick and says “Remember me?” UGH.
Last but not least on the memorable limo exists: Liz. Liz was the maid of honor at the wedding of Bachelor in Paradise royalty, Tanner and Jade. At the wedding, Liz met Nick and took him to her fantasy suite. Now, with the opportunity to get famous, Liz has joined the cast of eligible bachelorettes. It’s so awkward. He clearly remembers her, but doesn’t know what to do when she doesn't mention it out of the limo. For one last hit on the "mom must be so proud list", Liz declares that she is glad he doesn't remember her, because it adds to her mystery. Oh, sweetie. Ignoring the fact that he DOES, actually, remember you and you are just too awkward to face this head on... if you sleep with a guy and he forgets you? THAT IS NOT MYSTERY. That means you are not good at fantasy suites. Nick is confused b/c he wanted her number the morning after, and she declined, so why is she here now? Great question Nick! I do believe we have our first "Not here for the right reasons" of the season!!
Cocktail party: Literally nothing happens.
Rachel, the attorney from Dallas, is the recipient of the First Impression rose. The only important thing about her is that she is a graduate of the greatest institution of higher education this country has ever seen – MARQUETTE UNIVERSITY. Hail Alma Mater. Now I get to combine two of my most favorite things: Marquette and the Bachelor. Hooray!!
Roses go to:
Rachel – First Impression Rose. Hail Alma Mater.
Vanessa – I didn’t talk about her in the recap. She seems sweet and is a special education teacher, which means she has a lot of patience. I think she is our front runner at this point, because every time Nick talks about her or sees her, his eyes light up and he gets all "giggly". And since we actually "know" Nick... we know that is one of his "tells" that he likes someone.
Danielle L – I have no idea who she is.
Christen – wore a school zone yellow dress and did a little fan dance out of the limo.
Astrid – multi-lingual dirty talk
Corinne – Grown woman with a Nanny and a Platinum Vagine.
Elizabeth W – No clue.
Jasmine G – pro basketball dancer
Raven – Reminds me of WWE Total Diva Paige, with a southern accent.
Kristina – Russian accent, maybe? Has crazy potential.
Danielle M – Nada.
Sarah – When she walked into the mansion, she exclaimed “oh! Food! Yay!” Which means she is WAY to normal for this.
Josephine – Hot dog feeder. Ick.
Lacey – but the camel has to go home.
Taylor – pretty, reminds me a little of Sean’s winner/wife Catherine. I hope she has a personality.
Alexis – “I’m a DOLPHIN damnit! A DOLPHIN!!”
Hailey – No underwear. (good lord, I am so sad that “No underwear” is how we have to remember anyone)
Whitney – There is someone named Whitney?
Dominique – she reminds me a little of Raven Simone.
Jaimi – with balls and bull nose ring
Brittany – ???
And last but not least….
Liz – Nick’s one night stand. This has disaster written all over it.
And there we have it friends! I have really high hopes for this season. I think it has the potential to be both highly entertaining AND have a happy ending… because Nick promised.
No comments:
Post a Comment