Welcome back for week 2 of the reality tv Rose Bowl. After
last week’s mostly uneventful opening night, I had high hopes for this episode…
and it did not disappoint. Let’s jump
right in…
Our fearless leader Chris Harrison makes an appearance at
the mansion, it seems that it is the day after the first rose ceremony.
Unfathomably, some of the women are already talking about Nick as though they
have a “real connection” and are starting real relationships. Oye vey,
LADIES!!! You have spent a grand total of about 25 minutes with this dude. You
are NOT in love. (Also, butterflies in your stomach or tingles in your toes do
NOT mean you are in love… it means you are excited/nervous and your foot is
asleep. Just stop.) Harrison breaks the
news, there will be two group dates and one one-on-one date this week, so that
means not every “lady” will get a date. GASP! Time to get crackin’ on the
quality time, here we go:
“Always a bridesmaid…”
Group Date #1: Corinne, Vanessa, Danielle L, Taylor, Jasmine G, Raven, Sarah,
Alexis, Hailey, Lacey, Brittany, and Elizabeth W.
The ladies meet Nick at a mansion, where they will
participate in a bridal photoshoot. I have to tell you, I hate these dates. It’s
all about how pretty you are and not content of character. BWAHAHAHA! I crack
myself up. These are the BEST dates, b/c the “ladies” get dressed up and judge
each other, the claws always come out on these… fingers crossed.
Jasmine G declares that “taking wedding photos on the first
date is, like, a big deal”… sure, Jasmine, you brought Neil Lane to the first night
and told Nick your ring size… but fake photos are the big deal. Photographer Franco
Lacosta (sporting the most glorious 70s mustache and tight short shorts) assigns each lady a role for the shoot. Some are brides: 80s bride
(Vanessa), Adam and Eve bride (Brittany – who is, refreshingly, horrified to
find her costume is a loin cloth), Tiki bride? (Corinne), Las Vegas bride
(Sarah?)… you get the idea – and some are bridesmaids.
Corinne is beside herself with delight as she tells the
camera that she is clearly the hottest girl in the room, mostly because she is
the only one not running around in yards and yards of fabric. “I am in a bikini, so like, clearly I am the
hottest”… and then out of the changing room strolls Brittany, looking every
inch the sin inducing Eve. I mean, DANG. That girl is HOT. Corinne turns a very
satisfying shade of green.
OOOOOHHHHH – NOW I remember why I hate dates like this… as
each woman takes her turn getting photographed with Nick, pretty much all of
them take the opportunity to stick their tongue down his throat. It is
disgusting. I mean, they might as well had just formed a line. As the fifth or
sixth woman gets a smooch, I am starting to feel my dinner creep back up.
GROSS. SO SO GROSS.
Corinne is determined to be the star of this show, and by
god, she is FANTASTIC. During her photoshoot with Nick, Corinne removes her top
and forces Nick to go “full blown Janet Jackson”. For those of you not paying
attention to pop culture in the 90s – Janet Jackson posed for a rather famous
album cover, on which she is topless, covered by nothing more than someone’s
hands. Nick LOVES it. The ladies are appalled. (obviously) It’s sort of
disappointing actually, you expect at least one of these women to get nasty,
instead, they all are shown laughing hysterically. So, either they are drunk or
really good sports. Maybe both?
Cocktail party – Corinne is a maniac. She basically
interrupts every conversation Nick has, getting just a little bit more visibly
drunk during each interview. The rest of the girls are starting to get annoyed,
and are now starting to doubt Nick’s sincerity in the “process” if he really
just likes a girl like Corinne. Every girl at the party is “over” Corinne. Don’t
worry, she is not here to make friends anyway.
Side note: There is something about this season that is
truly, truly surprising… I think Nick’s contestants… some of them at least, are
not total idiots. I mean, ANYONE who is
going on a reality tv show is an idiot… but some of these women have legit “I
am smart” credentials. As we learned last week, Rachel is a graduate of the Law
School at the finest Jesuit university this side of the sun, and this week, we
learned that Taylor finished her bachelors in 3 years and has recently
completed her masters in psychology from Johns Hopkins. JOHNS HOPKINS. I mean,
DANG. That’s legit brains. What the hell are they doing here?!
We break away from the party to see that Liz has decided
that not only should all of America know that she did the dirty with Nick, just
hours after meeting him, but at least one “lady” in the house needs to know. So
she “confides” in Christen. In a montage that appears to take place over
several hours and at least four costume changes by Christen, Liz beats the
topic of a one night stand with Nick TO DEATH. She is tedious.
Back the Party: Corinne has just interrupted Taylor’s time
with Nick. Taylor, in a seldom used but highly effective chess move,
RE-INTERRUPTS Corinne to finish her conversation with Nick. Corinne is FURIOUS.
When the “ladies” find themselves reunited on the poolside couch, Corinne does
her very passive aggressive best to pick a fight with Taylor. Taylor sits serenely
by, silently diagnosing Corinne’s neuroses. There is such beautiful “Mean Girls”
finesse in the moment… it almost made me miss junior high school.
Now, his time with Corinne aside… there is something very
bizarre going on. Judging by the short clips of the time he is spending with
these ladies, I think Nick is actually trying to GET TO KNOW these women?!! I
truly cannot comprehend what I am seeing. It appears that he is asking them
questions… AND ACTUALLY listening to what they have to say?! This is SO not the
show I signed up for!
In a moment that I am sure he will come to regret very, very
soon – Nick gives Corinne the very first group date rose of the season. AH HA!
There he is! Giving the rose to the first girl who let him grope her… NOT
someone he has actually listened to… THAT IS MORE LIKE IT.
Solo Date: Danielle M. Danielle is a pretty blonde, who
seems sweet and quiet. In other words, girls like Corinne will eat her alive.
But I want to cheer for her, b/c Lacey says that she is glad Danielle gets the
first solo date b/c “I didn’t know that girls were that nice”.
Well, well, well!! FIRST HELICOPTER date!! WOW and A YACHT!
(Producers really cheaped out on Ben’s season, lots of nice, cheap dates… so it’s
good to see them go back to their bread and butter – the utterly extravagant and
totally unrealistic date experiences. YAY!)
This date must have been super boring. We pretty much don’t
see any of this date. Which lends itself to my suspicion that Nick is actually
trying to get to know the women. There is a moment at dinner, when Danielle M
reveals that she is one of our first sad stories of the season. She tells Nick
that she was once engaged, but the man she was to marry overdosed, and she
found him dead. Whoa. Hello reality. Thanks for that smack in the face. Nick
responds in an empathetic and mature way. Glimmers of hope shine through the
trashy tv show. She, of course, is given a rose.
For most of the solo date and really, for the rest of the
episode, we see Liz, at the mansion, talking ON AND ON about her pre-existing “connection”
with Nick. Only to Christen and producers… but it really is annoying. OKAY! WE
GET IT! You NEED to talk to Nick. Ugh. Guess what? When the other women find out?
They are going to hate you. And when Nick finds out you spilled the beans?
Yeah, he won’t be impressed either. JUST. STOP.
“We need to talk…”
Group Date #3: Christen, Josephine, Astrid, Jaimi, Kristina, and Liz. The limo
pulls up the curb and Josephine is surprised… “Oh! It’s Nick! He is meeting us!”
Um, who the hell else would it be? Josephine is NOT doing blondes any favors.
They spend the afternoon perusing the artifacts of the
Museum of Broken Relationships. Yes. This is an actual thing. Nick even shows
the ladies “his” contribution to the exhibit. The Neil Lane ring he selected
for Kaitlyn. We all know the show bought that bad boy. Nick is clearly
uncomfortable around Liz. He is obviously avoiding her. She notices and
continues to obsess over his behavior – dear lord it is annoying. The women are then given an opportunity to
participate in living art by acting out faux break ups with Nick. It is
actually kind of funny, and they all seem to be trying to have fun with it. The
highlight was one of them hauling of and slapping Nick across the face. I mean,
it looked like it really hurt.
When it is her turn, Liz stands up and treats the audience
to a play by play of her “relationship” with Nick – remember, none of these
women actually know their history, so they think this is all a story – and then
gives some heartfelt mumbo jumbo to try to express to him that she is “here for
the right reasons”. Nick is SO uncomfortable. I am surprised he doesn’t send
her home right away.
At the cocktail party, there seems to be sharing and
civility amongst the women, and Nick is passed around like the pound of flesh
he is. Jaimi “confesses” to Nick that her last relationship was with a female.
Nick, once again pulling himself into my good graces after the whole Corinne
gets the rose debacle, asks Jaimi if he is competing with the other women for
her affection. OH MAN – Dude, you are awkward. I love you.
Christen tells Nick that she knows all about Liz. This could
be a great move for Christen – or it could have been the worst. She has either
wriggled herself into the trusted confidant who he might want to make out with
role… or the friend zone. It’s a toss up.
Nick then pulls Liz out of the group for a conversation. She
dances, she wriggles, she giggles… she tries everything in her power to answer
Nick’s very direct question. “You had 9 months to get in touch with me, why did
you wait til now, when you have the chance to get famous by it, to try to be
with me?” She has no answer. And with that kids, THANK GOD – because that chick
is annoying, Liz is sent packing, just in time for me to realize that the show
is running out of time and there will definitely NOT be a rose ceremony
tonight.
@Y$*@$#$*&#!!!!!!
No ceremony?! I hate you, producers. I hate you.
The previews for next week show Nick “coming clean” with the
women about his “pre-existing relationship” with Liz. THERE IS SO MUCH CRYING.
I am having a hard time believing that all those tears are because Nick once
slept with a girl who is not a member of the cast… b/c seriously, there are a
bunch of girls Nick has slept with that aren’t in the cast… so that just CAN’T
be it… can it?
I guess we will find out next time, in the MOST. DRAMATIC. 3rd
EPISODE. EVER.
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