Okay, so I had this thing this week, it’s
called a life, and basically, I forgot to write the recap, so here is my
attempt at a short and sweet version.
Rose Ceremony and Cocktail hour: At the end of the last episode, Nick sent Liz home and
confessed to the other ladies on the date that he and Liz had a past.
Unsurprisingly, that is all the house can talk about the next day. At the
cocktail party and rose ceremony, Nick once again tells the girls that he slept
with Liz and the entire cocktail party revolves around every single girl
feeling the need to “address” how they feel about the situation. Nick must have
been exhausted. Of all the dalliances Nick has had in his life, I am absolutely
certain that Liz is the one he regrets the most. For no other reason than he
had to rehash it over, and over, and over, and over for what felt like
eternity. And then, like a shining beacon of crazy, it’s Corinne’s turn to “steal
Nick” away from the party. Corinne already has a rose from the previous group
date, but because she is determined to get her man, and make every girl in the
house hate her in the process, she dresses in a trench coat, and little else.
She leads Nick into the driveway… yes, the driveway… where she uses a make
shift bed, whip cream and no shame to attempt to get Nick to sleep with her.
Literally. That’s what she wants. Oh baby, right here, right now, with all the
cameras and millions of viewers. I think her nanny needs to put her in timeout.
That’s right… she has a nanny. Have we talked about this? Maybe I have been
blocking it out, because it sounds SO ridiculous when I say it. This grown
woman, who claims to run her families multi-million dollar company, has a
nanny. Who cares for her, and makes her beds and apparently is famous for “cheese
noodles” which I think is just Mac n Cheese… I. JUST. CAN’T.
Anyway, after partaking in some creepy
leering and making out, Nick makes the wise decision to NOT sleep with Corrine
tonight. Jasmine (I know there are two, but this is the only one I can
recognize by sight) – I think she is Jasmine G… arrives in the driveway to
spoil Corinne’s fun and take Nick away. Truth be told, Nick looks visibly
relieved. Corinne is inexplicably devastated. Apparently, because Nick did not
jump at the chance to sleep with her, she believes her time with him was a disaster.
OH SWEETIE. It makes me sad that she measures her value on the immediacy on
which someone will sleep with… and just as I am starting to feel bad for her,
she decides to skip the rest of the evening, INCLUDING the Rose Ceremony, and
go to sleep. DEAR GOD. IT is AMAZING. NO ONE, in the history of the franchise
has EVER just SKIPPED a Rose Ceremony. The entire cast including Nick are
flummoxed. It is glorious and self-centered and ridiculous (which is everything
you need for a perfect reality show character). This girl is the saddest yet most
hilarious and most fabulous piece of TV gold the franchise has seen in years.
The whole house hates her. I am sure Nick wants to get rid of her, but
producers are all “Hell No. She stays. She is the whole reason people will tune
in after they figure out you really are just trying to get to know these girls
and find a wife… we need her”. Alas, she already has a rose anyway, so it is
Elizabeth, Hailey and Lacey who are sent packing… I have absolutely NO idea who
any of them are.
Group Date #1: Corinne, Jasmine, Taylor,
Danielle L., and some other girls I don’t know are the lucky selected who will
get to participate in the single greatest date in the history of The Bachelor
(including all international spin offs). The ladies get to learn choreography
and then dance, ON STAGE, during a live performance with the freaking
BACKSTREET BOYS. Now listen, I get that the BSB are not the New Kids on the
Block, and that the NKOTB are CLEARLY a far superior boy band… but the BSB is
still pretty amazing, and getting to dance with them is awesome. Jasmine is
clearly the favorite going into the date, given that she is a former DCC (that’s
Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader, for the uninitiated). Corinne is “not good at
planned dancing” so she pouts the whole time. Um, I’m sorry? “Planned Dancing”?
OH! Choreography! You guys, she means Choreography… sweet Jesus. PLANNED.
DANCING.
The BSB’s select a “winner” from the group.
As the winner, Danielle L and Nick get to enjoy a romantic slow dance to the
musical stylings of the BSB, in front of 500 people and the rest of the ladies.
They even make out a little, much to the dismay of the “ladies” and the delight
of the rest of us. My goodness, Nick just has NO shame in swapping spit and
just doesn’t care to hide it. It’s bold, but once girls start to get really
serious about him, it’s going to get him in trouble. As it is, the whole date
ends SUPER awkwardly as Nick gives the rose to Danielle L.
Solo Date – Vanessa. I tell you this now. If
I could, I would bet a million dollars on Vanessa winning the final rose. She
will be Nick’s wife. How do I know? WELL… for their date, Nick and Vanessa get
to take a flight on a Zero G plane. Basically, this plane can maneuver through
the air and create a zero gravity environment inside its cabin. It looks like
they are both having a blast… until… Vanessa suffers from a huge bout of motion
sickness and, apparently, vomits several times. Here is the part that makes me
know she wins… in between vomit bags… NICK KEEPS KISSING HER. I almost vomit.
Several times. Listen, after my hubby voms (for any reason), it’s pretty much
assumed I will not be kissing him for at least three days. Nick must REALLY like
her. Nick once again spent the evening at dinner, actually trying to get to
know Vanessa. I love him. There was lots of crying on the date… almost
exclusively by Nick… so that puts me off him a little. But at least he seems to
be doing this in earnest.
Group date #2: Rachel, Dominque, Astrid, and
some other girls I don’t remember. The girls, with the support and guidance of
Olympic legends Carl Lewis, Michelle Carter, and Allyson Felix will be
competing in a “Nickathalon”. Astrid’s um, assets are ALL OVER the place. Bless
her heart though, she knows it and tells the camera “I wish someone would have
told me I needed more support for this date!” Okay, I now heart Astrid too. The
ladies compete in Long Jump, High Jump, Javelin Throw, and the 100 yard dash.
Our guest Olympians tally the points and, taking into account observed
chemistry with Nick, select three finalists for the final event, the 100 yard
dash. Rachel, Astrid, and…Alexis, maybe? Race down the track, the lady to take
possession of the oversized crystal engagement ring gets to enjoy a little one
on one time with Nick in the hot tub. Rachel and maybe Alexis both are moving
so fast, they completely over shoot the prize and Astrid bounces down the track
to nab the big ring and some alone time with her man. Dominique whom we have
seen very little of, is suddenly complaining that Nick isn’t giving her a fair
chance. Maybe she is wrong, maybe she is right, we will never know, b/c the
minute she sits down with Nick, she calls him out. “You don’t try as hard with
me as the other girls”. Nick’s response, “you are probably right, it’s probably
best if you go home”. BOOM. Ole Boy is NOT messing around today!
I am 100% sure someone got a rose on this
date. No idea who. Rachel? Astrid? No clue.
POOL PARTY!!! Nick has decided to extend his
time with the ladies today, instead of a cocktail party tonight, they are
having an all day POOL PARTY!! Squeee!!! Corinne, determined to redeem her perceived
deficit with Nick convinces the Bachelor production interns to blow up a princess
bouncy house in the driveway. As the other girls hang out with Nick and each
other, Corinne lures him away, into the bounce house where she once again tries
to wriggle her way into his pants. The girls all look on, not even trying to
hide their disdain anymore. When Nick returns, the “Corrine is the worst and
you need to send her home” parade begins. Raven even has the nerve to mention
Corinne’s Nanny. Nick is clearly blindsided by this revelation. I hope to hear
more of his reaction in the next episode.
This episode, however, fades to black with
Vanessa challenging Nick on Corinne. “Are you here to play around, or are you
here to find a wife and partner?”
And there you have it friends! Episode 3 is
in the can. On a typical season, a hard rule on the Bachelor is to NEVER talk
to the Bachelor about one of the other women… in this case though, with Vanessa
leading the charge, I am pretty sure Corinne’s days are numbered.
Tune in tonight to find out!!
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